“I’m sorry, what was that?”

Whether you’ve seen the post floating around social media or not, it’s worth taking time to ponder its wisdom. (Yes, I said “wisdom.” It’s not completely absent from social media.)

It was a list of simple responses you can use when someone has just said something racist, misogynist or otherwise hateful. Because let’s face it: If you’re a nice person, it’s hard to know how to react when someone casually says something awful in conversation. Especially if that person is a friend or family member or simply someone you thought would know better.

Often we just freeze, so shocked at what we’ve just heard that we can’t quite believe it, and the moment passes. Or else those good Canadian manners we’ve been taught override our discomfort and we change the subject to avoid any awkwardness that might come from challenging the statement.

Well, it’s time to speak up. Not to attack or belittle the other person, but to work toward understanding. After all, if we come back at them with self-righteous condemnation, not only is the conversation over but no one has changed their minds about anything.

So here are some suggestions adapted from that excellent online post. Which one feels most like something you’d say? Which feels like something you could try?

“I’m sorry, what was that?” This is especially great because it requires the person to repeat their words and hear them out loud again. It can be followed by the next suggestion: “Just a sec. I’m still processing what you just said.” Without being a personal attack, this one signals to the other person that they’ve said something you find unusual, which in turn might make them reflect a little.

“I didn’t realize you thought that way.” A statement of fact is usually much less confrontational than tackling the other person’s views outright. What you’re saying here is simply that what the person just said is at odds with what you believed their character to be. A similar option that actually requires the person to explain themselves is, “Help me understand your thinking on that.”

What seems especially helpful about these statements is that they’re all neutral. We’ve probably all been in a situation where someone made a pronouncement we disagreed with, and we responded with our own opinion. It’s an exchange where no one really listens, positions quickly harden and nothing is achieved.

But sometimes you do have to be clear about how you feel, which is when the last two ideas are useful: “What you said is not okay with me” and “I don’t find that funny.” Granted, these responses may well get the other person’s back up. But they are important to use if you are with young children or a person of the group being denigrated. If you’re with someone who’s been targeted by a hateful word or joke, letting it slide isn’t an option.

It’s funny that we worry about making someone feel bad when they’ve just said something unacceptable. It’s also kind of odd that we worry more about confrontation than we do about trying to understand someone’s thinking or encouraging them to reflect on what they’ve said and how it makes us and others feel. This is how the world changes — one conversation at a time.