Coercive Control

Would you consider it abuse if you saw a man yelling at his girlfriend? What if he called her an awful name? What if you learned that a female friend of yours had to give her partner passwords to her phone and computer, and that he frequently checked her emails, texts and social media posts — would that qualify as abuse?

When we think of intimate partner violence — a man’s abuse of a women he supposedly loves — we tend to assume it must mean the man is hitting or hurting the woman physically. All too often, that’s the sad and enraging reality.

But there’s another reality, one in which a man limits who his partner can see, insists he be able to hear her phone conversations, decides what she can eat, refuses to give her access to their bank accounts or finds other ways to exert control over her. That’s where the name for this behaviour comes from: coercive control. It may not leave bruises, but it definitely causes long-lasting and debilitating scars on a woman’s mind and spirit.

Regrettably, both people involved may be able to justify that the man is not abusing the woman because he’s not hitting her. But in fact, coercive control is far and away the most common form of intimate partner abuse. It’s almost always present in a relationship where there’s also physical abuse.

Testifying in front of the Commons justice committee in 2021, Andrea Silverstone head of the Calgary domestic violence prevention agency Sagesse, said at least 95 per cent of domestic violence cases involve aspects of coercive control. By contrast about one-third of intimate partner abuse cases leave visible physical marks.

What’s especially frustrating is that making coercive control a criminal offence probably wouldn’t change much. That’s because a woman being controlled by her boyfriend, father, son or husband by definition would find it incredibly hard to free herself long enough to report her situation. And even if she did, how would police or Crown prosecutors build a case to convict the man?

The good news is that we are all capable of helping spot and call out coercive control when we see it happening. If a friend tells you her partner is monitoring her texts, or you suspect he’s listening to your calls or watching her emails, you can tell her in person that you’re there to help. Just as important, we can make sure our sons and nephews know that girls and women are their equals, and that no one has a right to control another person through intimidation or isolation.

If you suspect a friend or family member might be experiencing coercive control from a man in her life, we can help. Call our Crisis Support Line (705-878-3662 or 1-800-565-5350) at literally any time.

By Nancy Payne